


some things are better left behind

by nicoisbest



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, genji thinks he can do everything himself, hanzo angela jesse and gabe are in dreams i guess, implied suicidal thoughts, spoiler alert! he cant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2018-12-01 04:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11478990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicoisbest/pseuds/nicoisbest
Summary: Genji is ready to forget everything about his past and start a new life. Surely, it'll be easy. Surely, he can do it on his own - but a certain prying omnic knows better.





	1. Chapter 1

With nothing but a backpack slung over his shoulder, Genji boarded the train. It was fairly empty, and he easily found a seat that he could lounge in without bothering others. Stretching and spreading his legs out, he stared out the window, waiting for the train to begin it's journey so he could watch the scenery speed by. 

As the train left the station, Genji realized that he had no idea where it was going. He had gotten on the first he could so he could get out of Switzerland as soon as possible, not even thinking about its destination. 

"Excuse me," Genji turned to an omnic who sat nearby, "do you know where this train is headed?" 

"Nepal," the omnic replied with a nod.

Nepal. That was far, very far from Switzerland. 

"Not to be invasive," the other spoke again, "but why would you board a train without knowing its destination?"

Genji really didn't want to answer that. Instead, he entranced himself with orbs floating around the omnic for a few moments before being interrupted. 

"Perhaps I should not have asked?"

Genji quickly shook his head and looked up to the omnic's 'face'. "No, no, I simply forgot where it was going...I'm a little tired, y'see." He quickly made up a lie, not really wanting to disclose any information to this stranger. 

"For making such a long trip, you do not carry much," the other commented, motioning to the small backpack that now sat in Genji's lap. 

"Well..." Genji paused, having to once again quickly make something up. "It's a short trip, to see a friend."

The reality of the situation was that he took as little as possible purposefully. He wanted to forget about Blackwatch, forget about Overwatch as a whole. He wanted to forget the thing he'd become, and leaving everything behind to start fresh was the best way to do that. 

"I see," he acknowledged, before adding "This will be quite the long ride, so I assume you should know my name, yes? I am Zenyatta," 

"Genji," he replied, shrugging. 

The omnic, Zenyatta, seemed to want to say something more, however kept silent - Genji's cue to look back out the window. His doing so made him fail to notice that the one he'd been speaking with had moved closer. After seconds of silence, the other spoke again. 

"Genji," Zenyatta began, his voice in a whisper, "why do you lie?"

"Lie? Why would I do that?" He laughs nervously in response, not wanting this stranger knowing the truth. 

Sighing, Zenyatta put a hand on Genji's shoulder. "You are not very good at hiding behind a façade. I am afraid that I can see right through you."

"Am I obligated to tell you the truth? I have never met you before now," his tone turned dark and he shifted his focus back out the window. Genji had no intention of sharing anything with someone he knew nothing of.

"Of course not," Zenyatta answered with a shake of his head, "however, I sense that you are in desperate need of guidance. Perhaps I can point you in the right direction." He released his grip from the cyborg's shoulder. 

Genji decided at this point that he had no reason to continue to converse with the other. Who did this guy think he was, anyway, telling him he needed guidance? The battle he faced was his own; not anyone else's; he'd handle it as so. 

"There is darkness growing within you. You do not have to be alone, my friend." 

Genji began to wish he had some sort of enhancement that would turn off his hearing. 

"I see that you wish to not respond, so I will not pry. However, please consider what I have said," Zenyatta concluded before shifting away. 

Genji let out an audible sigh of relief; finally, he could get some peace on this trip. Even so, when he watched the landscape whirr by, he couldn't help but think about what had been said. A darkness growing within him, huh? It sounded stupid; and whatever it was, surely he could deal with it himself; yet he found himself considering the fact that maybe he couldn't do it on his own. 

No; that was crazy. Of course he could do this on his own; the omnic didn't know what he was talking about. Why had he even bothered listening at all? 

Shaking his head, Genji shifted his focus back to the blurry view out the window. He'd just forget about it, just like he was going to forget about everything else. Once he made it to Nepal, he'd have a clean slate; he'd be able to leave everything behind and start over again. 

As hours passed by, it was peaceful, yet there was still one thing tugging at his mind. 

The fact that he was still...this thing. 

He was still in an 'enhanced' body of wires; a body that he could hardly still call his own. It was one thing he couldn't leave behind. 

Reaching into the scarcely packed backpack, he pulled out a small photo. There was no reason for him to bring it. If anything, he wished he had left it behind. 

It pictured his younger self alongside his brother. 

His brother, who had almost killed him. 

His brother, who was at fault for turning him into this. 

In the picture, they seemed happy; they seemed just like the family they were meant to be. But they would never be that way again. He would never be the same as the person he was in the photo. Not he way he was now. 

His grip around the sides of the frame tightened. Perhaps he should break the frame, and rip the photo to shreds. Before he got the chance, however, Zenyatta put a hand on Genji's wrist. 

"You are shaking," he explained calmly, "is everything alright?"

Genji glared at Zenyatta in response for a few moments before handing him the photo. "Could you do me a favor," he began, practically forcing it into the other's hands, "and get rid of this?" 

Before the omnic had any time to respond, Genji had already looked back out the window with crossed arms as the mountains of Nepal came into view. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zenyatta look at the photo for a few moments before carefully tucking it into his own bag. 

Snow began to appear, thickening as the train approached its destination. For a moment, it reminded him of something, but he quickly shoved the memory away before it could materialize. Forget about your past. Soon the snow had fogged up the glass, obscuring the view to the outside. 

Sighing, Genji turned away from the window, as there was nothing to see. It was alright; it seemed that they were getting close to the stop anyway. 

Zenyatta spoke up again. "Forgive me for having been bothersome, however, do you truly have anywhere to go?" The question was obviously directed at Genji, and to it, he did not respond. He didn't have anywhere to go, but he assumed he'd be able to manage on his own, without the help of some random omnic on a train. 

"I hope I am not out of line to guess that your silence answers my question." Once again, Genji gave no response. "If you would like, I know of a place you can stay," Zenyatta continued, despite the lack of a reply. 

Genji looked away. No, his brain kept telling him, you don't need his help. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Even so, there was something strange about Zenyatta, and before he had time to think, he found himself giving an answer.

"Fine."


	2. Chapter 2

Part of him wished he hadn't accepted that invitation. He didn't need to be babied like this; he didn't need this kind of help. 

"You are welcome to stay as long as you'd like," Zenyatta explained as they entered the small inn room. "If you need to be shown around the village-"

"I'll be alright, thanks," Genji sighed, looking around at the barely furnished space. "How much do I have to pay you for this...?"

"Oh, please, do not worry about that. It is in my morals to help people in need," he explained, floating towards the door. "If you need anything, I do hope you know where to find me," he finished right before exiting. 

"Yeah." The response faded into the air, likely unheard by the other. Genji stared at the now closed door. What was he doing? He didn't deserve, or need this sort of kindness from a stranger he'd only given the cold shoulder to. 

Setting his backpack aside and leaning the sword on his back against the wall, he collapsed onto the mattress that lay on the floor. He didn't want to think about it anymore; he was too tired to bother. Shortly after, he found his eyes glued shut as he slipped into rest. 

-

Darkness surrounded him as far as the eye could see. It was like an endless void. 

"Where am I...?" He mumbled to himself, standing up. Looking around, there was still nothing to be seen. Not sure what else to do, he began walking. 

Suddenly, two faces he recognized came into view. 

"Yo, Jesse, Angela!" He called out, quickly approaching them. "Do you guys have any idea where we are...?"

No response came. 

"Uh, guys...?"

The two figures simply turned their backs to him before disappearing completely. 

Genji shook his head. "I'm not going crazy," he mumbled to himself as he kept walking forward. 

Before he had time to think, someone was right in front of him - Reyes. 

"Oh, uh...hey, boss!" He laughed, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry for, uh...y'know, leaving, without warning, but, uh, you must know where we are, huh?"

Gabriel simply crossed his arms before turning his back and vanishing, exactly the same as the other two. 

"God, what is going on?" Genji grabbed the side of his head and kept walking forward, slightly picking up his pace - until he came to a complete halt. 

This time, his brother stood before him, eyes judgmental. 

"Hanzo..." Genji furrowed his brow. "I don't even want to bother. Are you going to turn around and disappear, too?" 

All he got in return was the same, unchanging glare. 

"If you have something to say, say it," he said angrily, raising his voice slightly. 

Silence. 

"God damn you," he hissed, approaching the figure of his brother. "What the fuck is the meaning of this-!" Right in front of Hanzo, he froze. He couldn't move. What had happened?

Looking down, wires were coiled around him, anchoring him to the ground. Slowly, they tightened around him. The other three who had disappeared came into view next to Hanzo, carrying the identical, disappointed expression. Genji tried to speak, but he could not. He was being quickly suffocated by the wires. 

He couldn't move. 

He couldn't breathe. 

His sight went blurry. He found himself gasping for air, all while they watched him suffer...

-

Genji shot up from the mattress, breathing heavily. He found himself having to take a minute to confirm that yes, he was actually breathing. 

So it was a nightmare. 

It wasn't like nightmares were uncommon; in fact, if anything, it were rarer for him to go a night without having one; however, his nightmares were usually reoccurring. The one he had just experienced...it was different. It wasn't one he'd had before, and that made him that much more afraid. 

Shaking his head, he turned to his side, changing his focus to the window. Outside, stars shone in the pitch-black sky. It was obviously nighttime, but Genji couldn't imagine he'd be able to get back to sleep.

Slipping out of the bed, he grabbed the sword he had set aside, re-placed it in its usual position on his back, and headed towards the room's entrance. Slowly, he opened the door, slipping out in silence. He sneaked out of the inn and was now out into the village, which he had hardly seen previously - however, he had seen enough to know that it had a completely different feeling during the day. 

Right now, it was dark, and there was nobody to be seen. The only lights were from the scarce street lamps; it seemed that everyone was asleep at this hour - a good thing; he would rather not be bothered. 

Genji quickly made his way through the village; he had no intentions of spending his evening strolling around, anyway. He followed a path that led out and to a forest. It was perfect; he would rather think out in nature instead of a stuffy hotel room. As the forest came into view, he glanced back at the village. He could've sworn he saw a light on in one of the houses, but he chose to ignore it. 

The forest was dense. He was hoping to find a clearing, but to no avail. Instead, he climbed up a tree, chilling out in one of the branches. Absentmindedly, he tossed a couple shuriken at the tree standing across from his own, sighing. They all hit the trunk in perfect unison. 

He climbed further up the tree, nearing the top. From there, he could see the village. It seemed so small; so insignificant. From up here, everything down below was tiny and meaningless. It almost made him feel like maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to start over...until it reminded him of something.

It reminded him of one of his Blackwatch missions. 

_They were hidden in trees, waiting silently for the enemy to come through._

Immediately, Genji began his descent from the tree. He didn't want to think about it. 

_When the enemy finally showed up, they all jumped down, and a battle ensued._

Defensively, he put his hand on the hilt of his sword.

_There was blood splattered all over._

Instinctively, he looked down at the freshly fallen snow. It was clean. 

_And he had caused the most destruction._

He stared at the white blanketing the ground, breathing quickly. God, wasn't he supposed to forget about this?

But he couldn't. He couldn't shake the image of himself. 

_He was nothing more than a weapon._

It was time to leave. He couldn't stay in this forest any longer; he'd just keep thinking about it. All the things he'd done, all the things he regretted, all of the blood shed by his own hands, all because of...

He started to run. He ran as fast as he could. Running interrupted his thoughts; he couldn't think about it.

He ran all the way back to the village, only slightly slowing when he reached it. On his way in, he noticed again that the same house was still lit, and he halted his quick pace to a walk, not wanting to be heard in fear of being forced into conversation. Besides; he was already nearing he inn. 

But of course, after he stopped running, he was left to his thoughts once again. _Goddamn. Just forget about it already._

Maybe he did need guidance. Maybe he couldn't do this himself like how he'd intended...

A noise interrupted his train of thinking, and, instinctively, he unsheathed his sword, pointing it in the direction of the sound - 

Standing at the end of the blade was Zenyatta. "Apologies, did I trouble you?"

Quickly, Genji lowered the blade, re placing it in its sheath. He breathed heavily; he had not meant to panic like that. "I should be saying sorry," he admitted, scratching the back of his neck. 

"I noticed you running. It is late, so I was wondering why you were awake," Zenyatta seemed to ignore Genji's reply and simply got to the point. 

"I...couldn't sleep." It was, for the most part, the truth. "What about you? Shouldn't you be asleep...? If you do that sort of thing..." Clearly, Genji did not have enough experience with Omnics to know how these things worked. 

"Yes, I do sleep, and I should be; however, I am not accustomed to this time zone yet, much like yourself, I'm guessing?" He explained, motioning his hand at Genji. 

"Y-yeah...it's just jetlag. That's why I can't sleep," he dismissed, hoping he wouldn't be caught lying again. "Anyway, I uh, should be getting back to my room."

Zenyatta nodded. "Goodnight, then, Genji," he replied, seemingly happy. "Just know that you can come to me if there's ever any trouble." He waved before turning around. 

"Yeah, I will," Genji responded before turning around to leave himself. 

"I do hope you realize how bad of a liar you are," Zenyatta commented before he began floating away. 

He dismissed the comment and approached the inn. There was no way he'd be able to fool that guy, anyway. 

-

The door clicked shut, and he immediately took the sword from his back and tossed it to the ground. 

On the wall, there was a mirror, showing his reflection. He stared at it for too long; inspecting every little thing that he was now that he wasn't supposed to be. There was so little human left in him. He was completely weaponized, made only to cause harm. 

He hated it. 

He never wanted to be this way. It was disgusting to him.

It took a bit of effort for him to peel his eyes away from the mirror and sit on the bed. He was supposed to be leaving all of that back in Switzerland. The negativity wasn't supposed to follow him; and yet it did. He thought he could thwart it off himself. 

Clearly, he couldn't. 

He couldn't do this on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm not sure if future chapters will be uploaded as fast as this one was, just because of my fluctuating motivation. i was really committed to this, so i was able to get it out after only a few days !! 
> 
> like i said in the last chapter, please give constructive criticism if any!! i want to improve my writing and writing fanfics is one way i do that ╰(*´︶`*)╯


	3. Chapter 3

Genji stared at the blank ceiling, as he'd been for what felt like a lifetime now. 

He couldn't sleep. 

This was normal, of course. Previously, he could lose up to days of rest over a particularly scarring mission. But yet, it was different. He hadn't had a mission. He just...

He felt heavy. 

His entire body felt like it was being tied down by stones. He couldn't move; he hadn't moved in hours. Or was it days? It wasn't like he was counting. 

God, he wanted to get up and move, but his body...it wouldn't let him. It was as if his nerves were cut off entirely. As if it weren't really his body. 

Fatigue finally caught up with him. He'd been sitting doing nothing forever...he passed out. After how long, he couldn't tell. 

-

A harsh blizzard whipped through. Frostbite clawed at his skin. Nothing could be seen in front of him other than white past a few meters. Snow piled up at his feet as he treaded forward.

Really, Genji had no idea where he was going. He just had to get out of this storm.

Ahead of him, a building came into view. It vaguely looked like...home. He picked up his pace, desperately wanting to get inside, to get to warmth. Silently, he scolded himself for not dressing warmer; he would definitely regret it later. 

Finally, he reached the entrance, nearly tripping on his way inside. He sighed in relief when he was met with warmth. As he made his way further in, he ran into Hanzo, who was facing away. 

"Yo, bro! You see that storm outside?" Genji exclaimed breathlessly as he approached his sibling. "It's nuts...I'm totally going to be sick..."

Hanzo's back remained turned. "Maybe you should have dressed warmer, then..." he muttered a response, the disinterest obvious in his voice. "It's a good thing you made it back in one piece, though. I need to talk to you," he explained as he turned around. 

"Yeah? 'Bout what?" Genji asked. Hanzo began walking away, motioning for his brother to follow. "You're sure being cryptic about this." 

"It's...a rather private matter," Hanzo paused in a side hallway, one that Genji couldn't recall ever actually walking down. 

"Private? Yeah, alright," Genji laughed in response, obviously not caring much. He expected Hanzo to say something like, "why can't you ever be serious?" all authoritarian like, but, he was silent. "...You're being weird, bro."

"Forgive me, Genji."

Before he had time to react, he was pierced in the chest - 

-

A knocking on his door woke him. That nightmare was one of the ones he had before...several times...however, was it really a nightmare if it had happened in reality? 

"Genji?" A voice came from behind the door. Of course, it belonged to Zenyatta. "May I come in?"

Quickly, Genji jumped up from the mattress, making the room look as orderly as possible, and not as if he'd been living in it for days. His muscles still weighed down on him, but he was forced to fight it. "Yeah, sure," he responded, quickly clicking his faceplate into its place. 

"Hello again, Genji," Zenyatta greeted as he floated into the room. "You seem to be doing well," he noted simply, examining the room. 

"Hey," Genji mumbled in response. "What did you want...?" He asked as he leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. 

"Oh, only to see how you were doing." His orbs floated around his neck slowly. "Liking Nepal?"

"Oh...yeah, it's nice, I guess," Genji scratched at the back of his neck instinctively. 

"Have you actually gotten to see much of it?" The omnic tilted his head. "I have not seen you around at all for quite a few days...nor has anyone else."

"Huh, that's weird," Genji laughed nervously. "Maybe you're just forgetting. I've been around." He looked away. 

"From your hesitance to respond to the door, am I wrong to assume that you fixed up this room right before letting me in?" Zenyatta suggested, motioning to the mattress in particular. "What are you hiding from? We are all accepting here."

"...seriously, what's your deal?" Genji turned to glare at the other. "Why is this any of your business? What reason do you have to get involved?"

"I only wish to help you."

"I'm not interested," he snapped angrily, grabbing his sword before storming out of the room. 

God, who did Zenyatta think he was? Some kind of saint? Genji didn't need help from him. Sure, maybe he did need help...but...absolutely not from that guy. 

He grunted angrily as he pushed through the town and towards the mountain. Obviously, if he couldn't be alone in his room, he'd have to find somewhere else, and surely Zenyatta wouldn't think to follow him up a mountain. 

He eventually arrived at the base. As he started his climb, flurries of snow began to fall. The tiny white flakes would never cease to remind him, remind him of Switzerland, remind him of home...

Clearly, he was not very good at this forgetting thing. Although he'd left just about everything, why did he still find ways to let the darkness creep into his brain? Why did he continue to let it control him? Why wasn't he doing anything about it?

Why couldn't he do anything about it?

Genji knew. He knew that he couldn't handle all of this on his own. Yet, at the same time, he had nobody left to turn to. Nobody would understand him; nobody could possibly know how to help him. 

Not even himself, evidently. 

Pausing, he turned to look behind him. He'd left heavy footsteps in the snow. How far up he'd climbed; he didn't care. It was far enough. He sat down near the edge of the cliffside, staring out into the sky blurred by white. 

What was he going to do with himself? The question ran over his mind time and time again. He felt disconnected; he couldn't tell if he was really himself anymore. Could he even be considered living? Or was he just a thing? An object?

The feeling wouldn't go away. It constantly followed him around, clouding his mind. It was affecting him, he knew it. It had been there since the beginning. And god, he wished he could have left it behind. But it would always be there to remind him, to remind him that this was not him.

This body was not his. It never would be, no matter how hard he, or anyone, tried. 

This was one of the times he wished he could still cry. Crying was something he hadn't done in what felt like ages. It was a way to let it all spill out; it was refreshing. But, obviously, he couldn't. He couldn't let it out. He had to keep it all in, let it pile up, bigger, and bigger, until...nothing. 

Had he ever really let that pile spill over? How long had it been building, again? 

He'd never told anyone. Not Jesse. Not Angela. Definitely not anyone else. 

Genji Shimada was desperately alone.

He buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do. _He couldn't go on living like this._

The snow fell heavier, and the wind picked up. Tiny shards of hail smacked the metal that cased him. 

Lifting his head, he looked out ahead of him once again. The storm clouded any view; white blanketing the space around him. Even so, he knew that he had likely climbed pretty high up the mountain. 

_Maybe he didn't have to._

Standing up, he looked down over the cliffside, taking a deep breath before-

A hand grabbed his wrist. 

"Nice to see you, Genji. Apologies for invading your privacy, however, I cannot allow you to stay out in this impending storm," Zenyatta's voice came, and he assumed that it had come from the same person who had grabbed him. 

Genji hesitated. "Why do you care so much? You are still a stranger," he asked, annoyance undercutting his tone. 

"Please, this is no time to be difficult." There was a hint of plea in the omnic's voice. "I refuse to leave you out here to get yourself hurt." 

He groaned in response. "Weather hardly does a thing to me. Seriously, why do you care so much?" His refutation was to no avail, however, because he was already being dragged back down the mountain. 

-

The small house should have been inviting; however, being what felt like forcibly pulled inside took away the factor. 

"Will you answer my question?" Genji groaned, crossing his arms. However, he was not given a response; Zenyatta had left the room before he finished his sentence. Seconds later, he returned with a blanket in hand. 

"You may take a seat," he motioned to a pillow on the floor. Genji shrugged and followed suit, and a blanket was thrown over him. 

"I don't need this," he explained, however still accepted the blanket and wrapped himself in it. 

Zenyatta said nothing. 

"Why are you so cryptic? Just tell me what you want."

"I've already told you," the omnic sat down on a pillow across from him. "I have had many students, however none have been in a state such as bad as yours. You need help, and I want to help you."

"Not interested," he retorted, looking away from Zen. Of course, Genji knew he needed help, and part of him was grasping at this chance, but another part of him was turning his nose at the idea of someone with no understanding of his situation trying to help.

"You are only going to get worse if you continue to block everyone out." Zenyatta folded his hands in his lap. "I know what you would have done if I had left you outside. You cannot keep denying help that you desperately need."

"I-" Genji cut himself off before he could say anything, looking down. He was right. He would never be able to accept this body on his own; there was no way...especially if he continued to shut everyone out. "I don't know what to do." He covered his face with his hands, not wanting to look directly at Zenyatta. He had never been open about his feelings, but here he was, the pile finally ready to topple. 

"Please. I want to help you, Genji," he put a hand on the cyborg's shoulder. 

Genji sighs, still facing away from the other. "I have rejected you time and time again...yet you still try...?"

"I see within you light at the end of the tunnel," Zenyatta began, "and I know that you can heal, even if you deny it. You can."

"Do you really think that I'm not a lost cause, Zenyatta?"

"Of course I don't."

Genji breathed shakily, lowering his hands and turning to face the omnic. Hesitantly, he finally said, "I need your help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the writing hiatus! i got super busy with end of the summer stuff and ended up forgetting about this fic entirely   
> (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)   
> anyway, i should finally be continuing this! im hoping to finish it by the end of 2017, but obviously i don't really get that much time to write unless it's 11:00pm or later..  
> as usual, thank you for reading! constructive criticism is always appreciated; i really want to get better at writing!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a bit of blood/gore in this chapter! it is not too excessive or detailed, however, if you are easily uncomfortable by that kind of thing, i recommend skipping the dream sequence  
> (it starts at the first separation of text, signified by "-")

Shards of ice shattered against the window. The house shook as if it were about to collapse. It didn't much help the anxiousness Genji was already feeling. 

"I know it must be hard. Of course, I have no idea what you are truly going through, however I am happy to be able to help," Zenyatta voiced in a quiet tone as he put his hands together. 

Genji instinctively pulled the blanket around him closer as a draft whipped through the room. Despite hardly being able to feel it, it brought comfort. "How are you going to help...?" He questioned, tiredness in his voice. 

"First, perhaps we should get to know each other better. I do not want to rush you into telling me everything. After all, as of now, we are practically strangers," he noted. His voice was calm and soothing; moreso than it had seemed before...it was...odd and inviting to Genji. Like nothing he'd ever known before. "I'll try not to get too personal."

He just nodded in response. Why did he feel so drowsy all of a sudden?

"Do you mind telling me where you're from?" Zenyatta had only asked his first question, and Genji already wasn't sure he wanted to answer. 

It wasn't a hard question. _Hanamura, Japan._ That's all he had to say, right? And yet, there was more. He was from the Shimada Clan. He was from Overwatch, from Blackwatch. He was made from the doctors that saved him, that turned him into -

He noticed Zenyatta staring at him as the silence grew, only filled by the snow outside. "I'm sorry," Genji mumbled, looking down. 

"It's quite alright. I should have waited to ask any questions," Zenyatta spoke in understanding, placing his hands on his knees. "You should rest. However," he glanced out the window, the storm undeniably still going strong, "would you mind staying here? I do not want to see you get hurt...in one way or another."

Sighing, Genji obliged. He felt as if he were being monitored like a baby, but...it wasn't like the omnic didn't have a reason to be concerned. 

"I'll leave you be." He got up and left the room, brushing himself off. Genji stared at the doorway the other had gone through for a while after he'd left. He didn't know what it was, but there was something about Zenyatta's presence that eased him, even if only slightly...but now that he had left, the air felt stiff, and the cyborg was left to his thoughts once more. 

Before he could let negativity invade his mind, there was suddenly an idea. 

He searched the room for anything he could write with and on. Settling with a paper and quill, he sat at the small coffee table, and scratched out a quick letter. 

_Dear Angela,_

_Deepest apologies for leaving without any warning. I could not tell you, or anyone._

_I'm writing to inform you that I will not be coming back. I am long gone, and I would like to leave Overwatch behind me. I hope you understand. Feel free to pass on this message to Jesse._

_Sincerely,  
Genji _

He didn't know what made him want to write to her. Maybe he thought she deserved to know. They were friends, after all; he felt bad for not telling her or Jesse before leaving. 

Folding up the sheet, he left it on the coffee table, intending to find some way to send it eventually before lying down on the floor. He was so incredibly tired...and before he had any time to think, he was asleep. 

-

His feet tapped methodically as he ran through the small town. Genji didn't recognize it; he had no real idea of where he was; but he knew that he heard screaming, screaming to no end. Screaming he couldn't do nothing about. 

So he ran. He ran through the seemingly abandoned town, trying to find where all of the yelling and shrieking was coming from. 

Every time he felt close, it was like he had gotten farther away. The town was an ever growing maze. He began to think he would never be able to find those crying for help. 

The screams of terror began ringing in his ears, over, and over, until he wasn't sure he was even hearing them anymore. 

And then, he turned a corner, and silence fell. 

Civilians, innocents, lay dead. Blood painted the pavement. Who would do such a thing-?

He looked at himself, his hands. 

Blood. He was covered in it. 

He looked back at the horrible scene. 

_He had done this._

_He had killed all of these people._

A woman stepped out from the corner, shock on her face. "Y-you..." She sputtered, stumbling back, "You're a monster!"

The words rang in his head. 

_You're a monster._

Genji shook his head, still staring at his hands. "No," he stressed, "I couldn't have done this. I-"

_You're a monster._

"No! I didn't do this!" He shouted, covering the sides of his head. 

_You're a monster._

-

"Shut up!" He yelled, instantly sitting upright, shutting his eyes and grabbing the sides of his head. 

A hand gently rested itself on his back. Instinctively, he grabbed the hand's wrist, ready to strike-

It was Zenyatta. 

Genji let go, looking around, at the room, at himself. He was perfectly clean, he was still in Zenyatta's home. It was just another nightmare. _Of course._

"Are you okay, my friend?" Zenyatta asked, re-placing his hand on Genji's back. His voice felt...quiet and understanding. 

Genji looked away. "Yeah. Just a bad dream, I guess," he sighed, glancing out the window. It seemed the storm had stopped. 

"Do you mind telling me what happened?"

Silence. 

"I suppose not. Do you have these bad dreams often?" 

"...Not really," he lied. "First one in a while." Part of him felt bad about lying about it, but he didn't completely trust Zenyatta yet. 

"Please, there is no need to continue to lie to me," the omnic sighed robotically, moving to sit across from Genji. "Could you please put a little bit of trust in me?" He took one of Genji's hands into his own. 

The cyborg looked back at Zenyatta. He supposed that, if he truly wanted to heal, he would have to be able to be open...he had to stop shutting everyone out. "I have them a lot. Sometimes nights in a row," he explained hesitantly. "They're more like nightmares, rather than bad dreams. Some of them reoccur, but that one...was new."

In response, Zenyatta nodded. "It must be difficult, but I only wish to help-I'll ask again; could you tell me what happened in the nightmare you had just now?" His voice continued to be inviting and kind. Genji couldn't find it in himself to refuse. 

"There was screaming," he started, "and I was running towards it. I thought, I've got to find out why they're screaming. I finally found them, but they were dead. I was covered in blood, I-" His voice cracked, ever so slightly, "-I killed them. I'm a monster." The last words repeated themselves in his head again. "They turned me into a weapon, and now all I do is hurt people," he mumbled quietly, so much so that he was unsure Zenyatta had heard it. 

"You are no monster, Genji," Zenyatta stressed, now taking both of his hands into his own, "Did you want to see those people dead? Weren't you trying to help them?"

"Of course I didn't want to see them die," Genji elaborated, "but I was made into a weapon for a reason. To cause harm. Even if I want to help, I just-"

"Stop thinking that way," he interrupted, squeezing Genji's hands. "If you keep letting the idea that you are 'only a weapon' hold you back, you will not get anywhere."

Genji felt like he'd start crying. But he couldn't. Thank god; he didn't want to have a breakdown right in front of Zenyatta. He simply gave a nod in response to the other's comment. "You make it seem so simple..." He laughed, shaking his head and looking down. 

"Do not doubt yourself. It will only bring you down," he explained, lifting Genji's head back up.

Genji hated the fact that Zenyatta was being so...affectionate. He was being genuinely accepting, he was listening, he cared. Genji hated it. Nobody had ever shown him this kind of kindness, and that's what he hated about it. Why hadn't anyone like this been there before? Maybe it was his fault for not opening up to anyone. Would someone else be this good of a listener? But nobody else had even seemed to care if anything was going on. He couldn't ever be sure, but he hated it. 

"Genji,"

The soothing robotic voice broke his train of thought. 

"Would you mind telling me a bit about yourself? I don't mean to be invasive, of course, but I would like to get to know you better," Zenyatta asked, finally releasing Genji's hands. 

"You first," he replied, not meaning to come off as rude. Genji simply felt like, while Zenyatta knew a few things about him, he was completely in the dark about the other. 

"Of course, that's fine." Zenyatta nodded. "Where to start...hm. Well, I am an omnic, of course. I believe in the idea of an omnic spirit, as well as helping others, such as yourself, heal," he explained. "I am also a member of the Shambali, but..." his voice trailed off as he placed the fingertips of his hands together. "Hm. It's not important."

Genji sighed. That wasn't much info, but...whatever. It was alright. "Do I have to say some things about me, now?" He sighed, groaning slightly as Zenyatta gave a small nod. "I'm part of the Shimada family, however, I can't necessarily say I'm a part of them, not after...an incident," he vaguely explained, clearly not wanting to go into detail. "I ended up joining Overwatch. Well, Blackwatch. I guess. The reason I jumped on that train was to get away from it," he finished, shrugging. Obviously, he'd left out some...key details. But he didn't feel the need to share them. 

"I see..." Zenyatta seemed to be in thought for a moment. "Were you always a cyborg?"

Genji shook his head. 

"When did that come in?"

He looked away. Of course he'd ask that.

"I would like it if you told me, but...I will respect your boundaries for now," Zenyatta speculated as he got up from the floor and began his floating. "Come with me," he stated, motioning for Genji to follow as he exited the house. Seeming to have no other choice, Genji did so. 

-

They were walking up the mountain, the same one Genji had climbed before. 

"Have you ever meditated before?" Zenyatta asked, their destination nearing. As he moved, the orbs around his neck floated in a circle; Genji had become entranced by them. Almost too much to answer. 

"Not...really, no," he stammered out a quick response, really only half paying attention. How did he get those orbs to stay like that...?

Suddenly, Zenyatta stopped and moved towards a cliff edge, sitting down in the snow. Genji nearly tripped trying to halt himself. Zenyatta patted the snow beside him, implying that Genji was meant to sit. 

"Meditation is an excellent way to find inner peace," he explained as Genji took a seat next to him. 

"Can't say I know how to do it," he sighed, staring out at the sky, the trees that covered the land beneath them. 

"Don't worry," Zenyatta reassured, "I will teach you. It is easy." He assumed a position that Genji assumed was a meditative one. The orbs around him began to chime. Genji took up a similar stance. "Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing, and release yourself from any thoughts."

Sure. That seemed simple enough. 

He closed his eyes, and began to focus on his breathing. Sure, he could do that, but he couldn't let go of his thoughts. If anything, he was thinking more than ever. 

"Try to imagine you are floating, drifting like a leaf in the wind."

He tried. He really, really tried to imagine it. But he couldn't stop thinking, he couldn't let go. He couldn't drift through the breeze; his cybernetic enhancements suddenly felt like paperweights. The focus he had built snapped, and he felt his breathing get restrained. This exercise was meant to calm him; perhaps it was meant to make him feel more comfortable with himself, but, if anything, it had only made things worse. 

Of course, he continued to try and meditate. He strived to be able to; he wanted to trust Zenyatta that this would help. He tried to empty his mind; focus on his breathing; feel weightless; but he felt at such a disconnect from his body. He felt like it was weighing him down. 

The negativity slowly started to take root once again.

_You're a disgusting monster. He should've killed you. Maybe you'd be better off that way._

Part of him believed it. 

But, suddenly, silence. His mind cleared; he could focus on his breathing...he felt it. He felt the feeling of being a leaf in the wind. For a few moments, he was truly able to meditate.

"This is worse than I thought," Zenyatta spoke, breaking Genji's momentary focus. Genji opened his eyes, and noticed that one of Zenyatta's orbs was now circling him, a yellow aura pulsing off of it. It suddenly retreated back to the omnic's neck. 

A confused look came over Genji's face, hidden by metal plating. "What do you...? I was able to do it." 

Zenyatta had his hand on his chin, seeming to be deep in thought. "I helped you a bit," he started. The orbs seemed to flash a dull yellow for a moment. "While you tried to meditate...even more than before, I felt an extreme negative energy..."

Genji just stared blankly. How was he supposed to feel? "I can't even meditate, huh?" He muttered, punctuating the line with a nervous laugh. "I don't belong here. I'm a lost cause."

"No! That is completely wrong," Zenyatta exclaimed, shaking his head. He put his hands on Genji's shoulders. "Everyone can be healed, no matter how far away it may seem. Including you." Genji looked away. "I promise."

"Yeah," Genji blankly responded, sighing. He hoped Zenyatta was right; he wasn't sure what it was, but he definitely did not want to let him down. 

Zenyatta rose. Genji followed suit. "It's getting late," Zenyatta pointed out, gesturing towards the setting sun as he started down the mountain. "Let's go, my student," he suggested, pausing to let Genji follow before quickly beginning to talk again. "I think you should get out of that inn. Perhaps it would be better for you to stay with me, as I don't want to find you cooping yourself up again-"

"'Student?'" Genji interrupted. He was surprised by the use of the name. Normally, he wouldn't want to be called something like that; 'it was lame', he'd say, but, for whatever reason, he didn't mind Zenyatta using the title. 

"Yes, that is what you are, now, am I wrong? If you wish, I could simply call you Genji-"

"It's fine," Genji cut him off once more. "What should I call you, though?" He tried to recall the teachers he'd had in the past. He'd refused to use honorifics before, but... "Is 'master' alright?"

"That has a nice ring to it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this chapter! it's the longest one yet, phew. i removed the chapter limit, because i veered off from my original plan for this fic, and i'm not sure how much longer it's going to end up being from my initial guess. again, thank you for reading! i love you guys  
> ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for not updating in a long time! i’ve been so caught up with school ;_; this chapter is very rushed and short so it is probably very flawed and i might end up going in and rewriting it; really i just needed to do something to get me back into writing ^^; i hope you enjoy regardless!

He lay tied to a table as millions of needles pressed into him at once. 

_What was this?_ Pain rattled throughout his body. They watched on with blank faces, and suddenly, it was gone. He felt nothing. Nothing at all. 

He felt death. His vision went black. 

When he awoke, numbness shook him. The feeling of death still overpowered him, however, he was alive. How?

He sat up on the table. A doctor reached out to him, however, the moment they touched him, they collapsed. 

Another doctor ran over to the collapsed body on the floor. “They’re dead,” they said. “They’re dead,” the other doctors repeated. 

Genji jumped up from the table. All of the people in the room instantly jumped away from him, fear in their eyes. He backed away. “I didn’t - do that, did I?” He shook his head as he backed into the wall. 

The wall fell apart behind him. _What the hell?_ They all started to yell, pointing at him, afraid. “I didn’t mean to!” Genji insisted. He tried to approach them, but the floor broke apart beneath his feet. 

_He destroyed everything he touched._

The ground gave out beneath him, and he fell, down, down, down. It would never stop.

But all the while, he still felt nothing. He was numb to it all. He was dead. 

-

When he opened his eyes, he discovered he was in Zenyatta’s home again. Right. A dream. 

The particular one he’d experienced never ceased to remind him of what he was. Dead. He really was just living in a shell; there wasn’t enough of him left to consider him alive. 

_He destroyed everything he touched._

Of course. It minded him of that, too. 

Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes. Numbness creeped its way through him, and the dead feeling that he’d experienced in the nightmare came through. 

For a while, he sat, staring at nothing, his mind disconnecting from reality. To no surprise, negativity once again took root in his mind. It seemed that whenever he’d feel closer to accepting himself, the nightmares would force him into relapse. Always. 

Everything went blank. The outside world was insignificant, and he was lost in his head. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there like that, but suddenly, he was being shaken. 

Immediately, in what seemed like an instinctive reaction, he pushed away whoever was shaking him and yelling; “Get away from me! I’m only going to hurt you!” He quickly backed away from the person who he’d pushed, getting himself as far away as possible. 

He stared at Zenyatta, who seemed unfazed. 

Genji felt nothing. He was numb. All he felt was death, nothingness. 

Zenyatta slowly approached him. “Please calm down, Genji,” he said calmly, holding a hand out to the cyborg. 

Genji felt himself shove up against the wall in trying to get away. “Don’t come near me. I’ll only hurt you,” he practically pleaded, curling up into himself. Part of him knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t snap himself out of the empty feeling, the idea that _he destroyed everything he touched._

The omnic’s hand appeared on his shoulder. “No, you won’t hurt me,” his soothing voice promised. The touch sparked a bit of feeling in Genji; the small bit of warmth in an endless sea of numbness. “It’ll be alright, Genji. Please, calm down.”

He collapsed into Zenyatta’s arms. Why did this always happen? He thought he could have been getting somewhere, but they would always, always be back to haunt him. The embrace from his teacher warmed up his senses, and he returned to reality. 

-

Neither spoke for a while. Genji was still on edge, and Zenyatta knew better than to be bothersome. However, he stayed close by; perhaps in case of another breakdown, Genji guessed. 

Finally, after what felt like hours, the cyborg finally spoke up. “It was another nightmare,” he started. “I’ve had it before, but I’ve never...reacted that way. I’m sorry.” 

Zenyatta nodded. “Do not worry. It’s alright, I understand,” he reassured, inching closer to Genji. “May I ask what happened in it?”

“I felt pain, then...nothing. It’s like death,” he started. “I was in some sort of hospital room. I...destroyed everything I touched.” Instinctively, Genji looked at his hands. 

“Do you feel dead?” The omnic asked in response, taking Genji’s hands in his own. 

“...sometimes, I guess,” he replied with a shrug. “I feel like my body is...like a corpse. And is it not? I mean, after what my brother did-“ Genji realized that he hadn’t said a word to his teacher about Hanzo, and stopped himself. 

“Your brother?”

“Nevermind.”

“Please,” Zenyatta lifted his student’s face to look at him. “You can trust me. All I want is to help you. This changes nothing.” 

Taking a deep breath, Genji prepared himself. He truly hated talking about it, but... “My brother killed me. Tried to, at least. Though, looking at me now, he got pretty close, huh?” 

“Was his attack what made you need cybernetics?” 

He only replied with a nod. Anger boiled up in him. Why should Hanzo get to live normally while he had to live this way? It wasn’t fair. He hated it. He hated his brother, he hated the fact that he forced him to be this way. He clenched his fists. 

Silence fell. Zenyatta clearly noticed Genji getting upset about the topic, and did not press any further. “I think you should relax for the day, my student. You desperately need a break. I’ll stay with you if you need anything.” 

Genji only nodded. “Thank you. Master.” 

The cyborg didn’t get it entirely. He didn’t know what it was that made the presence of Zenyatta so reassuring. He was a bright light in the overwhelming darkness. It was strange to Genji; he hadn’t really felt this comfortable with someone before. 

“Oh, and, do you usually keep your faceplate off?” 

Oh my god. He’d forgotten to put it on. Zenyatta had been staring at his ugly, scarred, destroyed face the whole time. He reached out to grab it and put it back in it’s place, but he was stopped. 

“You don’t have to hide. Besides, you’re quite cute.” 

If his face weren’t so damaged, maybe he’d be blushing at the comment. It took him off guard, but it made him decide to leave it off. 

He wasn’t sure what it was. But there was something about Zenyatta...he was different than anyone he’d ever known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said this chapter is likely flawed but i would still like constructive criticism as usual! thank you for reading! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

**Author's Note:**

> im hoping i will actually commit to this and finish everything i have planned!! we'll see how that works out though.  
> if there's any constructive criticism you can give, please do!! i really want to improve my writing and doing fics is one way i do that. please make it constructive <3


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